because i fear the repetition of that nightmare....
woke up with tears on friday morning...in fact i was woken up by my own crying and hard breathing...it was really a terrible nightmare and i hope it remains as just a nightmare...
please....
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
a bad night sleep is indeed a catalyst for an otherwise perfect saturday...
woke up early for tuition..she's by-far, the best tuitee i've ever had...so no problem with tuition..
wad bothered me was the throbbing headache...and the lift reno really didnt make things better for me..
wanted to stay at home and really have a good rest after preparing my tuition materials...but turned out that mom wanted to visit granduncle at CGH...well she kinda set a guilt trap and i fell straight into it...so ended up going down to CGH with her in the afternoon..
it's only been less than 2weeks, and i could barely recognise him...he turned so skinny that i can see his protruding ribcage from the loose and hardly fitting hospital wear..they claimed that he'd been sent there due to low red blood cells count and low blood pressure, which were triggered cox of the blood cancer...they're doing a blood transfusion for him and hopefully things turn better..
well, at the very least, he's still conscious and able to recognise us..he even laughed at us for walking by and missing his ward, and smiled to us thinking that we'd brought rice for him..but he looked so frail that i find it too painful to look at him...many times i'd wanted to cry but held back my tears coz i know i just cant do that..
the doctor put him on a soft diet probably due to poor digestion, which means only porridge for him for the moment..we visited him with 2 tau shortly before his dinner arrived..it was just a small bowl of porridge, steamed egg mixed with minced meat, pumpkin and papaya...i guess that wasnt exactly filling for him coz he soon turned to us and asked for a bowl of rice, shortly after he gobbled up the dinner provided..mom tried to explained to him that becoz he's on blood transfusion so doctor doesnt allow him to eat rice..well thats probably the easiest way to explain things to him since he probably wun understand 'weak digestion'..he even turned to look at my mom's handbag and asked if she brought rice for him..mom just had to say no...
he turned to look away from us, eyeing other ppl's plates of rice and probably wondering why is he the only one eating porridge..he practically stared at the uncle sitting at the bed beside the whole time till he finished his plate of rice...when we tried to talk to him, he hardly bothered to reply/look at us, probably angry at the fact that we refuse to give him rice..when we visited him 2weeks ago at NUH, we'd promised him duck rice and fried rice the next time because he was still able to take in solid food back then..but we broke our promise and he's probably very angry about it...
its really a mental struggle...on one hand, we know that his days are numbered and it would be only moral to give him things that he wants to leave no regrets...in this case, it would be food that he likes to eat...but on the other, we also know very well that giving him food outside of that restricted diet might cause him more harm instead..we arent very keen on shortening his already-short and numbered days...
i really dread going to CGH...seriously of all hospitals in singapore, it had to be CGH...it wasnt exactly a pleasant experience the last time i was there almost a year ago..walking around CGH simply brought back all the unpleasant memories..in fact, i would term those memories as 'nightmares'....i really do hope that they're just nightmares and i would eventually wake up from them..
i was really on the verge of breaking down when i was alone at the lift lobby..the feeling of being alone with no support is really terrifying...
really really hope the visit tml will be less painful...
woke up early for tuition..she's by-far, the best tuitee i've ever had...so no problem with tuition..
wad bothered me was the throbbing headache...and the lift reno really didnt make things better for me..
wanted to stay at home and really have a good rest after preparing my tuition materials...but turned out that mom wanted to visit granduncle at CGH...well she kinda set a guilt trap and i fell straight into it...so ended up going down to CGH with her in the afternoon..
it's only been less than 2weeks, and i could barely recognise him...he turned so skinny that i can see his protruding ribcage from the loose and hardly fitting hospital wear..they claimed that he'd been sent there due to low red blood cells count and low blood pressure, which were triggered cox of the blood cancer...they're doing a blood transfusion for him and hopefully things turn better..
well, at the very least, he's still conscious and able to recognise us..he even laughed at us for walking by and missing his ward, and smiled to us thinking that we'd brought rice for him..but he looked so frail that i find it too painful to look at him...many times i'd wanted to cry but held back my tears coz i know i just cant do that..
the doctor put him on a soft diet probably due to poor digestion, which means only porridge for him for the moment..we visited him with 2 tau shortly before his dinner arrived..it was just a small bowl of porridge, steamed egg mixed with minced meat, pumpkin and papaya...i guess that wasnt exactly filling for him coz he soon turned to us and asked for a bowl of rice, shortly after he gobbled up the dinner provided..mom tried to explained to him that becoz he's on blood transfusion so doctor doesnt allow him to eat rice..well thats probably the easiest way to explain things to him since he probably wun understand 'weak digestion'..he even turned to look at my mom's handbag and asked if she brought rice for him..mom just had to say no...
he turned to look away from us, eyeing other ppl's plates of rice and probably wondering why is he the only one eating porridge..he practically stared at the uncle sitting at the bed beside the whole time till he finished his plate of rice...when we tried to talk to him, he hardly bothered to reply/look at us, probably angry at the fact that we refuse to give him rice..when we visited him 2weeks ago at NUH, we'd promised him duck rice and fried rice the next time because he was still able to take in solid food back then..but we broke our promise and he's probably very angry about it...
its really a mental struggle...on one hand, we know that his days are numbered and it would be only moral to give him things that he wants to leave no regrets...in this case, it would be food that he likes to eat...but on the other, we also know very well that giving him food outside of that restricted diet might cause him more harm instead..we arent very keen on shortening his already-short and numbered days...
i really dread going to CGH...seriously of all hospitals in singapore, it had to be CGH...it wasnt exactly a pleasant experience the last time i was there almost a year ago..walking around CGH simply brought back all the unpleasant memories..in fact, i would term those memories as 'nightmares'....i really do hope that they're just nightmares and i would eventually wake up from them..
i was really on the verge of breaking down when i was alone at the lift lobby..the feeling of being alone with no support is really terrifying...
really really hope the visit tml will be less painful...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Apology isnt everything...
kinda realised this today...
females hate it when males apologise for the sake of apologising, without know whats the reason behind one's anger....
'you are angry and you want an apology so I say sorry lor!'
that's likely wads going thru all guys' minds when their girlfriends/wives are fuming...
well, then i'm telling you, all guys out there, that an apology isnt everything... whats the point of getting an apology from someone who's still unaware of his mistakes??
不知悔改还敷衍了事，简直就是错上加错，大错特错！！记住，女人最讨厌没诚意的男人。。。
females hate it when males apologise for the sake of apologising, without know whats the reason behind one's anger....
'you are angry and you want an apology so I say sorry lor!'
that's likely wads going thru all guys' minds when their girlfriends/wives are fuming...
well, then i'm telling you, all guys out there, that an apology isnt everything... whats the point of getting an apology from someone who's still unaware of his mistakes??
不知悔改还敷衍了事，简直就是错上加错，大错特错！！记住，女人最讨厌没诚意的男人。。。
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
suffocating...
exams are really suffocating...cant wait for 4th may to end the short-term misery...2 more sems to go after this....
it feels really terrible when u yearn to do well but deep down, u know thats not gonna come try no matter how hard you try...
it feels really terrible when u yearn to do well but deep down, u know thats not gonna come try no matter how hard you try...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
how does it feel like
to know when exactly you're dying?
*warning: this is an extremely depressing entry. viewer's discretion is advised..
if given a choice, will you
(1) choose to know when you're gonna die so that you can...
- leave the rest of your life to the fullest and leave no regrets
- spend the rest of your life trying very hard to make that day come slower (even though deep inside, you know that's impossible)
(2) choose to not know and live your live as per normal
up till today, i'll still choose option 1 for myself...
but, i'll really rather not know it for my family and friends....coz its too depressing for me to bear..
yes, if i know, then at least i can do whatever i can to accompany that person till his/her very last breath, grant all of his/her wishes, adjust myself to be able to accept his/her absence...
but all those are just too much to bear...
if that someone had been by your side for the past 10-20 years, how are you going to 'learn' how to accept his/her absence?
maybe i'm all too emotional.....or not?
*warning: this is an extremely depressing entry. viewer's discretion is advised..
if given a choice, will you
(1) choose to know when you're gonna die so that you can...
- leave the rest of your life to the fullest and leave no regrets
- spend the rest of your life trying very hard to make that day come slower (even though deep inside, you know that's impossible)
(2) choose to not know and live your live as per normal
up till today, i'll still choose option 1 for myself...
but, i'll really rather not know it for my family and friends....coz its too depressing for me to bear..
yes, if i know, then at least i can do whatever i can to accompany that person till his/her very last breath, grant all of his/her wishes, adjust myself to be able to accept his/her absence...
but all those are just too much to bear...
if that someone had been by your side for the past 10-20 years, how are you going to 'learn' how to accept his/her absence?
maybe i'm all too emotional.....or not?
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