a clown in disguise...

guess this will be the best phrase to describe me right now...this very moment...

living just to show others the light...when i dun see any at all...

putting up a false front to toughen up myself...but the fact is that i'm super fragile within...

why do i have to act fine, happy, bubbly, cheerful like a clown to make someone's day?

who knows how i am truly feeling beneath the thick coat of fakeness?

i hate this kind of lifestyle...becoming someone whom others will like and want instead of whom i really am...

where are my principles??? since when were they all gone??

perhaps this is the only way to survive in this society...to be whom everyone looks out for..and not whom u THINK u're most comfortable with...

is life just abt SURVIVING?? or SUCCEEDING?? where am i on the map of my destiny? at the starting point or nearing the ending point?? i hope i'm nearing the end...coz i see no light...

dont try to say you understand me...coz all of u never does and never will...

u never know how does it feels like to be Person A in front of your friends; Person B in front of your family; Person C when you're all alone...it seriously sucks..why is it that i'll still have to keep the smile on my face in front of my friends when my parents are quarelling like mad the previous night? why is it that i'll still have to put on a smile to welcome others' troubles/problems when i have tonnes of them unsolved? what are all these for?? is it really a balanced equation whereby the amount of input = amount of output?

jasmine is utterly tired...to the extent that she no longer knows how to express her anger, her frustrations, her saddness, her emotions...she is just like a walking dead corpse which can certainly perform any function when you want her to...she can just smile, talk, joke whenever u want her to bt none of these are genuine...at least...no longer...

will the old jasmine come back? nope she wun be anymore...she's dead and gone forever...the person talking to you right now at this moment, is just an empty shell of jasmine...

hey yox ppl...

learnt a few lessons today so shall just share here yea =)
1. NEVER be a busybody unless if you're freaking sure of the situation (esp when u're the 3rd party)
2. NEVER think too highly of yourself
3. NEVER assume
4. NEVER be too thick-skinned
5. NEVER stay at the same spot because it will make you look childish while others'd progressed
well these 4 things tt i'd learnt are nt here to suan/shoot anyone..so those who think i'm refering to YOU pls think otherwise...while those who think u're not the ONE, well read lesson no.3 again..

yea sth rather ridiculous happened early in the morning..oh wells wad a nice way to start my saturday hur...mm forget it dun mention wad exactly happened over here..

so woke up quite early today and read some novels..then went to shower and meet my Jes for a PSC scholarship fair/talk at Orchard Hotel..haha though i left the house quite early but was still late for ard 3mins...=X mm so met Jes and waited for Yufang as well then walked over to the hotel..it was a light drizzle at first bt turned to a downpour after a while...yea so our poor feet were kinda drenched..mm saw quite a few familiar faces there esp those from HAP and of course, the cute, humorous and approachable staff Officers!!! hehex din expect them to actually rem us bt ya they do!! so was quite happy lahx..then talked to Ray Sir, Ivy Ma'am and Eric Sir...There was one more Officer (ASP if i'm nt wrong) who was super patient and talked to us for quite some time, bt i forgot to look at his nametag..so yea nt very sure of his name..bt very grateful to all these officers for being so willing to share their experience!! =D

so met Gen after tt and the 3 of us went back home at ard 3++..reached hm at ard 5, chiong home to take yanling's court shoes and chiong back to TM again..haha a lot of chionging here and there today..then came home and go out for dinner again..came back home and ta-da~~ here i am typing this post for today...brother and his frens are enjoying boardgames outside in the living room while i was forced by mama to stay in the study room to "study"..wahaha bt things did really turn out the way she wanted it to be...=P

alrights..guess i'll just end here and rem the 5lessons!!! ^^

ok finally some things settled...

mmm today was the first day of my mugging routine...supposed to study maths and i DID study it...went to library alone initially to start with vectors revision..then weewee joined me at ard 3.50 and we decided to change location coz it was seriously FREEZING COLD!!! wah cold until headache sia...yea so we changed location to the arts hub which was much better there and went for late ermmmm lunch i suppose oppo tj...came back at ard 4.45 and started mugging..well i started practising my vectors qns after i was done with the summary..then apparently a few teachers walked past us and were a little shocked tt we are starting revision liaox..wahaha coz we dun look like the type who will mug so early de...oh wells i guess time doesnt allow me to slack now looking at my grades at the same time..(erm though i'm wasting a LITTLe bit of my time blogging over here...XD) so yea tml shall be......bio!!! alrights...starting from the basics and get them right!!!!

wah today first pe jiu run 2.4 liaox...i know it sounds like nth lahx but considering tt i did not exercise for the whole holiday other than 1 sat...so came back at ard 15min..super lousy so its really time to brush up on my stamina liaox...pull-ups also deprove le..hopefully i can still maintain the others and work on my 30-Gold...

haha this was taken when we went out to create havco before the mindcafe operates at 2pm..

yea erm quite long ago liaox..but ya the photo of the publicity group for CCC drama night..=)

yea the spf-npcc badge holders in CCHMS...wahahax does it says a little about female's abilities over here?? =X

yea still have many other photos..will find chance to post them up one day..yea till then pals..=)

jiu ming arhx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kuai feng le...............

haha alrights..tts the post-exam syndromes..mm guess its a GG to my JCT papers bahx..can say byebye to my goals liaox..apparently think only my chem paper can make it nia...bio as cui as maths..GP think i wrote the wrong essay and econs dun think i got the points right..jialat liao lahx how to take As papers at the end of this yr?!!?!? *scratches head* ok i'd set this routine for myself le...i shall go have a run & dinner after sch enrichment clses then go to bedok library mug till the library closes...tt will most probably be making full use of my time bahx..well planning this is one thing..whether i can keep to it is yet another thing..=X

mmm had a fulfilling holiday...went for a 6-days attachment with the MHA..enjoyed 3days of OBS (Singapore) and 3 days of home team visits...well i'll say tt its definitely an eye-opener for me..i mean how often can u get to visit the prisons (other than commiting a crime) or the civil defence headquaters to play with the water hose..had a CL camp which had effectively helped me to shorten my lifespan by erm ard5-10 yrs?? haha in future anyone who wish to live a shorter life pls do feel free to tell me yea..i think i'll be of a great help to your request..

wonder if you are reading my blog not bt i think u shld be...erm bu yao zai dui wo bao you xi wang le hao ma? zhen de zhen de bu zhi de..jiu suan wo shen pang shao le yi ge ban..na ge wei zi ye jiang bu hui shi you ni lai zhan ju...bu shi ni bu hao, ke shi wo men zhen de bu shi he dui fang..ni shuo he wo xiang chu rang ni jue de hen shu fu, ke shi ru guo ling yi fang bu zhe me jue de na you you he yong ne? wu ke fou ren, ni zhen de shi ge hao ren..dan shi ni dui wo de hao que rang wo jue de bu zhi suo cuo, yin wei na yi jing bu zai wo ke yi jie shou de fan wei le...ni zhi de gen hui dong de xing shang/zhen xi ni de ren..yin wei wo men bu shi he bi ci..geng he kuang wo jing nian de fu dan yi jing hen zhong le, wo bu xi wang zai zhe jin yao guan tou fen xin..rang wo men dou hao hao de guo zhe zi ji de sheng huo hao ma? wo men yi ran shi peng you..=)

jie shu le..
yi qie dou jie shu le...
hen gan xie ni zhe duan ri zi de zhao gu and guan huai..
ni zhen de zhi de yong you yi ge bi wo hao de nv sheng..
yao jia you o!!
dui ni wo shi zai gan dao hen bao qian ye jue de kui qian ni hen duo hen duo...
ye xie xie ni de liang jie...
qian wan bu yao jue de ni bu hao..
yin wei zhe yi qie dou bu shi ni de cuo..
zhi shi wo bu dong de xing shang he zhen xi..
suo yi bu yao fang qi xun zhao xing fu..
ye yao hao hao du shu qian wan bu yao yin wei ke ye huo dong er huang fei xue ye...
zhen de yao jia you o..wo hui zuo ni yi bei zi de peng you..=)

looks like jasmine needs to grow stronger...braver...and less evil...she shall learn how to stop to hurt
ppl esp innocent ppl who had put in all their time and effort to salvage something...

huo xu zhe shi xiao xue zhe yi sheng zhong jue de zi ji zui ke zeng de yi ci ba..ta jiang fan xia yong yuan ye mi bu bu liao de tao tian da zui...cheng wei qian qu zui ren...yi chou wan nian...

zhen me ban...zhe ge gu shi hao xiang xie bu xia qu le o..ying gai shi mei hao de yan xu ma? hai shi...

well..had been baking cookies for the past few days..chionging batches after batches..till 2++ 3++...haha sometimes i paused to ask myself if its all worth it...but then decided to carry on since its meaningless to ask tt qns and i'll probably continue to bake even if i'd gotten the ans..so just simply went on and on and on till now i have my whole big wooden table filled with choco tarts..seriously quite disgusted by the sight of them..=S imagine u do nth other than baking those stuff..haha trust me, u'll be equally disgusted by them..

hmm this few days kinda got caught up in a lot of confusions, dilemmas and uncertainties... really have a lot of loose ends which i ve total no idea how to tie, probs which i ve no solns to and some things which i dun noe how to end..quite a struggle to juggle between such mental stress and the pressing orders for the cookies over the past few days of hols..well doesnt even seem like hols to me lah~~ oh wells, at least had a family-bonding session when papa mama and korkor helped me to bake those cookies..tt was reeeeeaaaaaalllllllll nice and sweet lahx..hehex guess that was the only nice thing tt happened to me during the 4 days of hols..OHOH of coz not forgetting the heartwarming comfort call from my lao gong (WEEWEE!!!!) haha to wen hou me..tt was nice of her of coz..and also happy belated birthday to JIAMIN!!! hey hey i promise i'll make up for it kkiex and bao zheng ni man yi alrights..=D

hmmm guess i'll end here bahx...big thank you to those who helped me out in baking the cookies i.e. weewee, hui ying, kay howe, zhuang yi and of coz my family!!! really wouldnt be able to complete everything so fast w/o u guys...all of u deserve a round of applause!!! *claps claps claps*

till then my friends....till then...