I suck..period.

hi i'm back

Hi i'm back after so long...which might not be such a good thing afterall. Since i usually dun blog unless i'm really upset...

Birthday is just around the corner...just another 2more weeks or so but i cant feel the anticipation nor excitement...why???

Life's been pretty screwed up recently...studies, cca, love life seems to all jumble up into one whole big chunk of mess.

Sch is as usual..hectic and stuff with projects + lab reports....busy like hell and serious information overload...and wads the worst part....i cant seem to find time to study..

Cca is screwed up too...cant seem to achieve wad i'd set out to right at the beginning...starting to doubt my leadership and influence + interpersonal relationship skills...am i simply too demanding? like a living hitler apart from the fact that i'm not charismatic enuff...

Love was wad i told that cld keep me going in difficult times, by seeking support from the love of my life...but it turns out that i'm just not a good lover...i thought i did wadever i cld whenever i can...but it seems like thats not enuff..quarrels and arguements still surfaced over trival issues...am i too strong-headed? too sensitive but not sensitive enuff? Sometimes i jus wish that there can be this love guru whom i can turn to for solutions and ask wad went wrong on my part. I love u so much dear and i know u do too..but why isit that we just keep doing/saying things that upsets each other? U said that i'd always spoke to u in a condescending tone, which i went to google n it says a tone of superiority. Since whn ve i ever seen myself as more superior than u?? Yknow that sentence really made me think if i'm really such a 'demanding' and 'unreasonable' person...dear, i know u so well that a single expression or action can tell me wad kind of mood u're in now...and whn i'm well-aware that u're unhappy yet u refuse to admit, i cant help but ask myself why isit that u have to lie? Do u think that i duno u well enuff n so u can try to hide ur feelings whn ur expression tells me everything? U know for that 4hrs i was so frustrated n i din even had the appetite to eat. I had to constantly guess wads on ur mind becozu refused to acknowledge ur unhappiness. Pls dun ever do that to me becoz the suspense is torturing the helk out of me given that i was alr in a terrible state..

I really hate to cry but i just cant seem to control my tears recently...which is kinda bad coz i go to sch with red puffy eyes..i wonder if i can really pull thru all these...becoz i can feel the old 'me' returning.......

N to all my frens out there....if u think that there's a prob with my attitude etc, pls tell me right in my face...i'll rather have it that way than having cold treatments...or worse still, playing along with me till u cant take it anymore n explode one day...

dun dare to sleep

because i fear the repetition of that nightmare....

woke up with tears on friday morning...in fact i was woken up by my own crying and hard breathing...it was really a terrible nightmare and i hope it remains as just a nightmare...

please....

a bad night sleep is indeed a catalyst for an otherwise perfect saturday...

woke up early for tuition..she's by-far, the best tuitee i've ever had...so no problem with tuition..

wad bothered me was the throbbing headache...and the lift reno really didnt make things better for me..

wanted to stay at home and really have a good rest after preparing my tuition materials...but turned out that mom wanted to visit granduncle at CGH...well she kinda set a guilt trap and i fell straight into it...so ended up going down to CGH with her in the afternoon..

it's only been less than 2weeks, and i could barely recognise him...he turned so skinny that i can see his protruding ribcage from the loose and hardly fitting hospital wear..they claimed that he'd been sent there due to low red blood cells count and low blood pressure, which were triggered cox of the blood cancer...they're doing a blood transfusion for him and hopefully things turn better..

well, at the very least, he's still conscious and able to recognise us..he even laughed at us for walking by and missing his ward, and smiled to us thinking that we'd brought rice for him..but he looked so frail that i find it too painful to look at him...many times i'd wanted to cry but held back my tears coz i know i just cant do that..

the doctor put him on a soft diet probably due to poor digestion, which means only porridge for him for the moment..we visited him with 2 tau shortly before his dinner arrived..it was just a small bowl of porridge, steamed egg mixed with minced meat, pumpkin and papaya...i guess that wasnt exactly filling for him coz he soon turned to us and asked for a bowl of rice, shortly after he gobbled up the dinner provided..mom tried to explained to him that becoz he's on blood transfusion so doctor doesnt allow him to eat rice..well thats probably the easiest way to explain things to him since he probably wun understand 'weak digestion'..he even turned to look at my mom's handbag and asked if she brought rice for him..mom just had to say no...

he turned to look away from us, eyeing other ppl's plates of rice and probably wondering why is he the only one eating porridge..he practically stared at the uncle sitting at the bed beside the whole time till he finished his plate of rice...when we tried to talk to him, he hardly bothered to reply/look at us, probably angry at the fact that we refuse to give him rice..when we visited him 2weeks ago at NUH, we'd promised him duck rice and fried rice the next time because he was still able to take in solid food back then..but we broke our promise and he's probably very angry about it...

its really a mental struggle...on one hand, we know that his days are numbered and it would be only moral to give him things that he wants to leave no regrets...in this case, it would be food that he likes to eat...but on the other, we also know very well that giving him food outside of that restricted diet might cause him more harm instead..we arent very keen on shortening his already-short and numbered days...

i really dread going to CGH...seriously of all hospitals in singapore, it had to be CGH...it wasnt exactly a pleasant experience the last time i was there almost a year ago..walking around CGH simply brought back all the unpleasant memories..in fact, i would term those memories as 'nightmares'....i really do hope that they're just nightmares and i would eventually wake up from them..

i was really on the verge of breaking down when i was alone at the lift lobby..the feeling of being alone with no support is really terrifying...

really really hope the visit tml will be less painful...

Apology isnt everything...

kinda realised this today...

females hate it when males apologise for the sake of apologising, without know whats the reason behind one's anger....

'you are angry and you want an apology so I say sorry lor!'

that's likely wads going thru all guys' minds when their girlfriends/wives are fuming...

well, then i'm telling you, all guys out there, that an apology isnt everything... whats the point of getting an apology from someone who's still unaware of his mistakes??

不知悔改还敷衍了事，简直就是错上加错，大错特错！！记住，女人最讨厌没诚意的男人。。。

同床异梦

妈妈今天下午说得没错。。。那样的日子，可能真的会很累。。。

suffocating...

exams are really suffocating...cant wait for 4th may to end the short-term misery...2 more sems to go after this....

it feels really terrible when u yearn to do well but deep down, u know thats not gonna come try no matter how hard you try...

是我太过‘宠’你，才会变成现在这样吗？

PS: 无可奉告 (a.k.a dun come asking me about this post)

how does it feel like

to know when exactly you're dying?

*warning: this is an extremely depressing entry. viewer's discretion is advised..

if given a choice, will you
(1) choose to know when you're gonna die so that you can...
- leave the rest of your life to the fullest and leave no regrets
- spend the rest of your life trying very hard to make that day come slower (even though deep inside, you know that's impossible)

(2) choose to not know and live your live as per normal

up till today, i'll still choose option 1 for myself...

but, i'll really rather not know it for my family and friends....coz its too depressing for me to bear..

yes, if i know, then at least i can do whatever i can to accompany that person till his/her very last breath, grant all of his/her wishes, adjust myself to be able to accept his/her absence...

but all those are just too much to bear...

if that someone had been by your side for the past 10-20 years, how are you going to 'learn' how to accept his/her absence?

maybe i'm all too emotional.....or not?

no where else to rant

except for here...my beloved blog that will allow me to rant/vent whatever i want...

my foot hurts! seriously, this is the time when i really wish i could just say all sorts of #^$&^((#)$*$^$)#%!!>$(#$....rahhhhhh

just because of a stupid small blister, it developed into a big swollen one pus, and it hurts when i walked...so i decided to prick and poke a few holes, squeezed out all the 'juice' and pus, applied anti-bacterial cream....my toe turned purple!!!!! so i switched to qing cao you and plaster it...totally had difficulty walking coz i din want to put pressure on my last 2 toes (1. i din want my toe to hurt 2. i din want to squeeze out more 'juice'/blood) so after an entire day of 'limping', i ended with an extremely painful right foot. the part of the foot that connects to my last 2 toes hurts like S.O.T.B (pardon me, i couldnt find a better word than this)...tried massaging my foot and i ended up crying...

ohwells...guys might think 'wlau, its just a blister la....we'd been through worse in army...', girls might not be able to 'feel' the pain....but ohwells, i'm just ranting coz nth else could be done anyway...

darn..(ps: i dun usually end my post with sth crude, but lets make today an exception)

好累。。

但是还蛮庆幸的。。。如果今天忙的人不是我，我应该会更不好受吧。。

when will i ever

see efforts translating into results?

long to hear....

lullaby....when will the 2nd time be? =)

Realised that the best time to see/observe one's true character is when he/she is extremely tired...coz he/she will put in no/near zero effort to hide what they usually do, because pretence is no longer their top priority, neither do they have the energy to control their temper... haha some of u may disagree...but to be frank, it doesnt really bothers me...its my blog anyway....

夹心饼？

Selena - Dreaming Of You

late at night when all the world is sleeping, i stayed up and think of you...

'cause i'm dreaming of you tonight...till tomorrow, i'll be holding you tight..
and there's nowhere in the world i'll rather be, than here in my room, dreaming about you and me~

Project Work

Sometimes it doesnt suck to have lots of project due at the same period. but it certainly sucks to have project mates who don't really care..when the datelines are drawing nearer, and no one seem to be bothered by them (all except for youself), that kind of feeling really sucks and thats when you have 2 options:
(1) suck it up and do the honour since ur grades are at stake too
(2) heck care and flunk the project altogether (meanwhile, pray hard that someone is less dense to discover that datelines are approaching and start working on it)

sad to say, i'm not the kind of person who is willing to sacrifice my grades (at least not for those kind of unworthy people) so what to do? suck it up....

life sucks, move on....(and perhaps, stop compraining)

一想到那点，就会让我窒息。。

范瑋琪-一比一 ktv

randomness~

（看电视中。。。）
妈妈：肖马的今年异性缘很好嘞。。可是要小心被骗财骗色！最好是朝自己的目标走。。。
（-.-lll）
我：呃。。。朝自己的目标？
妈妈：对阿！你不是要当老师吗？！
我：是啊。。。可是这和感情有什么关系啊？再说，难道全世界肖马的都会被骗吗？哈哈，难道肖马的今年都不用交男女朋友了哦？
妈妈：。。。 。。。

（过了几分钟。。。）
妈妈：肖龙的今年最好不要爬山涉水噢！很危险。。。
（我在想，不论何时，爬山涉水都是危险的吧？=x）
我：。。。 。。。
妈妈：他是肖龙的对吗？
我：哦。。对啊。。。

（看我妈妈多疼你。。。*吃醋*）

好歌欣赏

范瑋琪 - 到不了

你眼睛会笑 弯成一道桥
终点却是我 永远到不了
感觉你来到 是风的呼啸
思念像苦药 竟如此难熬
每分每秒

我找不到 我到不了
你所谓的 将来的美好
我什么都不要
知不知道 若你懂我 这一秒

我想看到 我在寻找
那所谓的 爱情的美好
我紧紧地依靠
紧紧守牢 不敢漏掉
一丝一毫 愿你看到

回头看一看。。

城市的生活节奏越来越快，人们的步伐也渐渐地快起来。可是就因为加快了步伐，很多时候，我们可能忽略了那些一直默默地跟在我们身后的人。

何不试着放慢脚步，偶尔回过头看一看。。。或许你等待已久的人就在你身后，正努力地尝试着跟上你的脚步。。。

有些人，可能跟得久了，觉得累了，就会消失在你眼前。。。

好好珍惜你周遭的人，事，物。。。

闲话

我不明白，你到处说和别人那些话有什么意义。说了就会比较好受吗？你，到底有什么目的？

谁说女人心海底针？男人的思维也很复杂好吗。。。。

Jolin Tsai - Jia Mian De Gao Bai

第六章：放下问题

当你遇到问题时，你会怎么做？是把力气用来解决问题，还是把精力花在追想问题？

回想一下，当你遇到困难，麻烦，不幸的时候，你是否也是这样 - 总是把注意放在问题上？

大多数的人都犯了这种错误，思想总是 “一问题为主”，试图将每一个问题都弄清楚。 这种做法，表面上来看，好像在解决问题，而实际上却是把问题延伸，结果真个人都陷入 “问题之中”以致愁眉不展。

事实上，我们对问题投入越多的关注，就越不可能得到答案。为什么？试想，如果你是对的，那你又怎会陷入这个难题呢？套句爱因斯坦的话：“一个问题的解答，决不会出自于住处制造出问题时的相同了解度。”这就是为什么你越去想问题，问题往往就越难解。

没错，一个问题的答案，决不会出自“有问题”的那个人。

因为，我们无法思考我们不知道的东西，不是吗？你怎么可能想出一个你不知道如何解决的问题？所有的想法都是来自你的过去，它总是一再的重复，很难有新的见解，所以你就算像破了头，也是没什么用的。

那该怎么办？放任问题不去理会吗？ 不，不去关注问题，并不是否认问题的存在，因为当哪天你相通了，开窍了，那个问题必然还在，不是吗？

不同的是，当你放下问题，新添不再供给问题生根的土壤，如此一来，反而能以全新的视野来看问题，漫漫的你将发现自己已身在答案之中。

第五章：快乐秘诀

快乐是什么？在你看到这个字眼的时候，你是否对它有某些概念？比方要得到某个东西，达到某个目标，获得某个结果，如此你才会觉得快乐。是这样吗？

你是否也设定了一些条件，关于有一天你快乐是你的生活 “将是” 什么样子，但是今天，就现在，你却没有一点喜悦的感觉？

你说，等我得到那个东西，我就会快乐。所以在你得到那个东西之前，你总是闷闷不乐。于是，你等，等，等，直到有一天你终于得到了，你果然欢喜快乐。

然而，快乐的感觉似乎没能维持多久 - 因为这时你又有新的目标，又想得到别的东西，这既是我们不快乐的原因。

我们在快乐上附加了太多的条件，以致变得如此的不快乐。

其实大家都弄错了，快乐并不需要任何条件，它并不是：“当我得到什么，我才快乐。”或是：“当我得不到，我就不快乐。”

快乐是无条件的，我很快乐，如果结果是好的，我很快乐；如果结果是坏的，我也快乐，快乐是我的人生态度，不管生命带来什么，我都决定要快乐。

有一位八十多岁的老人，每天都发牢骚，悲观厌世，任何事情都无法让他高兴。

有一天不知怎地，他突然变了，变成了一位乐观，开朗，充满喜乐的人。

朋友很好奇地问他：“是什么原因使你突然又设么大的变化？”

这位老人答道：“我一生中老师心烦意乱，经常患得患失，因为我渴望得到某些东西，可是我一直没有得到。最后，我放弃了，决定即使没有得到哪些东西，我也要快乐，结果就快乐起来。”

没错，重要的是你，是你决定了自己是否快乐。

试想，当某一天你所期望的结果终于实现了，又是谁要你快乐的？根本就是你自己，不是吗？

第四章：静观自得

静观自得

你抵抗什么，什么就会扩大，你静观什么，什么就会消失。

不管你正面临的问题是 - 育人冲突，争吵，或是受人批评，攻击，污辱，如果你去对抗，问题就会扩大且持续下去。

我们都可以了解，只要有对抗，就会有冲突，就会有对立，而冲突和对立，又会引发愤怒，攻击，暴力。。。 。。。，然后就没完没了。

反之，只要让自己沉静下来，那么不论你静观什么，什么就会消失。

你不需费心去找任何理由为自己辩护，只要沉静下来，你的举止本身就会显示出最好的理由。

你不需费力去争执，只要沉静下来，你连想都不用想，正确的言语自然就会产生。

你不需刻意去控制情绪，只要沉静下来，什么都不说，什么都不做，什么都不计较，心境自然平静。

所谓万物静观皆自得，我们只要把心沉静下来，直到心田的淤泥沉淀，湖水自然澄清 - 你的困扰自然也就消失不见。

第三章：为何不满

为何不满

什么是满足, 什么是不满足？满足就是拥有的比想要的多，不满足就是想要的比拥有的多。更明白地说，不满足就是想要求取更多的心态，满足就是放下这种欲求。

不论老少，大部分人的不满足都是来自我们想得到 [更多] 的欲望。年轻人渴望更多的钱，更好的工作，更漂亮的妻子，房子，车子；老年人更贪，他们要事业，要地位，要名誉，还想要变年轻。每个人想要的都那么多，又怎么可能满足呢？

其实你已经拥有了不少，但你的心却不在已拥有的东西上，你一直在找寻那些没有的。结果，你越去想自己欠缺的，就越发沮丧，二月沮丧就越会去想欠缺的 - 于是你变得不满，总觉得不足，这是没有尽头的。

人们不幸的由来，乃在看不见自己的幸运；不满的由来，则是不知道自己早该满足了。如果你不觉得自己是幸福的，你又如何感受到幸福呢？很难，对吗？如果你不知道满足，那么你又怎么可能对目前的生活满意？

腻味么你会认为自己应该要满足于自己的欲求呢？是谁规定的？如果你的欲望让你受苦，你要做的，应该是去限制欲望而不是设法满足它们，不是吗？

希腊大哲说过：“如果你要使一个人快乐，别增添他的财富，而要减少他的欲望。”一点都没错，要得到快乐和满足，并不需要追求什么，而是要放弃那个追求。

放弃越多，欲望就越少；欲望越少，满足就越多。

纳闷。。

我并不生气，只是有点纳闷。
纳闷为什么你竟能做出那样的反应还不以为然。。。
真的好纳闷哦。。。。

第二章：不再追悔

是否曾经觉得自己当初不该做某件事，而事后就一直懊恼当时为什么会做出那样的决定？
如果你还在为某件事烦恼的话，那 《忘了总比记得好》 里的第二章对你，应该会有帮助！

不再追悔

窗外的阳光灿烂，而你的内心却桎梏在一片懊悔的阴郁中。

你自责，要是当初你没那么做，就不会发生这种事。

你懊恼，假如你当时早点发现，也就不会变成这样。

你不断追悔，早知道会这样，你就。。。。。。

[早知道，我就。。。] 当事情发生了，我们总习惯这么说。我们常会叹息过去某个时刻，为什么不做另一个选择，这种想法开始就是个错误。

你想过吗？当你说 [早知道] 的时候，就表示你之前并不知道，对吗？既然是不知道，你嫩怎么样？你能对一件根本不知道的事怎么样？

没有任何事情，能在遇到或知道之前就改变，不是吗？

没有人是不会犯错的，每个人，包括你，我，甚至任何伟人在内，都曾经做出错误的判断，人只有在往回看的时候，才知道自己错了，正可谓 [昨是而今非]。

有迷才有悟，过去的迷，正好是今天悟的契机。所以，何必自责呢？就算你真的有错，那也是你根据自己的经验和知识，在当时做出你觉得最好的决定，这些决定，在当时看来并不是错的。

你实在没有必要为了过去 [还不知道] 的错而痛斥自己，难道错误给你的打击还不够吗？

我们应该停止悔恨的愚行，把精力集中在 [现在我能做什么] ，而不是 [当时我做了什么] ，若能如此，那么你从失败中学到的，将会比从成功中学到的更多。

第一章：玫瑰与刺

从今天起，我每天都会和大家分享 《忘了总比记得好》 里的一篇文章。希望会带给读我blog的人一点启发！=）

玫瑰与刺

你喜欢快乐所以选择了它，但就因为你选择要快乐，所以你不断地压抑痛苦，你不断地逃避痛苦，因而把日子过得很不快乐。

以为逃离痛苦就能享有快乐，这真是很大的谬误。如果你一直想逃开痛苦，那你将很难快乐。痛苦与快乐都是人生的一部分，你怎么能只要快乐而不要痛苦呢？事实上，避免了痛苦，也就避开了快乐。

这就好比白天与黑夜。有白天就会有黑夜，它们是同一个存在的两个部分。如果你拒绝了黑夜只要白天，你将是痛苦的，黑夜并不会带来痛苦，是因为你选择了白天而拒绝夜晚，所以痛苦才会产生。因为无论哪一天，在哪个地方， 黑夜总是存在的，不是吗？

要记住，黑夜并不是光的对立，对立的本身才是最大的黑暗 - 是你创造了那个黑暗。

你说，这山峰很美，你可以选择山峰而不要山谷吗？ 你见过只有山峰而没有山谷的山吗？

你说，这朵玫瑰真美，但你不喜欢它身上的刺，然而如果把刺都去掉，这朵玫瑰还会存在吗？

玫瑰与刺，就像快乐与痛苦是不可分的， 你不能只选择其一，所以，去接受那些痛苦吧！那么剩下的也就只有快乐了，不是吗？

不管是不是对的决定，我都不会后悔。。。

再累，也会咬紧牙关撑下去的！

再坚强的女强人，也会有脆弱的一面，也会有像小女生般对恋爱的憧憬。。

天天微笑并不代表没烦恼。。只是不想把自己的烦恼变成别人的负担。。。

某人曾经这样问过我：“有么有试过迁就你喜欢的人？”
我说：“有啊。”

某人又说：“可是一直迁就那个人，不会累吗？”
我说：“不会。如果你是真心喜欢那个人，只要是合理的迁就，就不可能会累。”

某人：“那如果是无理的要求呢，你还会迁就吗？”
我：“只要是我所能接受的，我都会迁就。”

某人：“为什么？”
我：“因为，喜欢一个人，就会连带他的优缺点一起喜欢。如果你开始发现及排斥他的缺点，那也就表示你还不够喜欢他，或者你已经不喜欢他了。”

某人：“哦。。。” （似懂非懂）

迁就一个人真的有那么难吗？ 其实不然。。适当的迁就是包容。。能够包容一个人，是幸福的。。。

原来我是那么的脆弱。。。还是我太依赖你了，所以才会在最脆弱的时候第一时间想到你？

鄧妙華 - 牽引

如果我们俩 从来不曾相恋
泪水 不会占据我的眼
如果你的心 还有一点牵挂
不会将我孤独地留下

我不愿回顾 因为在记忆深处
思念常刺痛 我的心灵
人生旅程 充满艰辛和坎坷
我需要 你的双手牵引

好怀念这首歌！！ 以前小时候在爸爸妈妈的店，常常听到那个年代的歌。现在偶尔回味一下，也别有一番风味。。。

新年快乐！

在这个兔年来临之际，我在此恭祝大家身体健康，阖家欢乐！=）

大年初一到四马路拜拜，在返回的途中，停下看了看兔年里不同生肖的运程。

肖马的：“太阴星是超级桃花星，可是要小心不要跌入勾神和贯_的圈套，否则将面临骗财骗色的下场。(。。。。。) 太阴星也是超级魅力星，可用这一点来谋取一点福利，必能事半功倍。”
*以上是我所能记得最靠近的了。。

我大哥看过了竟然还能笑出来。“看来你的烂桃花回来咯！” -.- 这没什么好开心的好吗。。。

过年的这几天，拜访了很多蛮久没遇到的亲戚。大家看起来都还是老样子；小孩子还是一样地皮。只是，外公外婆看起来好像苍老了许多。动作慢了，思考说话也都慢了；头发变得雪白，皮也好像皱了些。唯一没变的是，他们依然是那么的慈祥，宽容。。。看在眼里，疼在心里。真的好希望时间能够停下来，因为我真的好怕他们有一天会忘记我。最疼我的祖父母，我想我没有办法接收他们忘了我的事实，也没办法接收他们离我而去。。。可能大家会认为说这些都没用，倒不如趁还有机会多珍惜他们还比较实际些。 可是这种心里的恐惧是没法撇掉的。。。因为心里很清楚，时间是不可能会停或慢下来，生老病死乃是一种自然循环，谁也没法阻止。。。

在来临的这一年里，好好珍惜自己身边的人。不要等到机会/幸福从指缝溜走了，才懂得惋惜。因为到那时候，一些都已经太迟了。。。

委屈你了

不知道为什么，可是有点心痛。。。纯粹因为。。委屈你了。。=(

如果当时知道的话，就不会让你帮这么多的忙了。你一定觉得很痛苦吧？明明心里觉得不是滋味，可是为了朋友，宁可自己痛也要帮到底。

你当时的心情，我多多少少可以体会。因为我也走过这段路。。想到这里，真的觉得自己好自私。。

真的。。辛苦你了。。。

仔细想一想，最后一次在别人面前哭，究竟是多久以前的事了。。是因为真的长大了吗？还是刻意隐瞒自己的脆弱 。。。

觉得自己好失败。。朋友出事了，我竟然没察觉到。。。我这算什么朋友嘛。。好烂。。。。

回来了

好久不见。。我。。回来了。。

如果问我，为什么会再次回到这里。老实说，我也不知道。就纯粹想要有个能让我抒发情绪的地方吧。

在过去的一年里，确实发生了很多很多事。多到有一些喘不过气来的感觉，快要窒息了。。

好在我周围真的有很多很关心我，在乎我的朋友。在我就快崩溃的时候，付了我一把，给我最大的拥抱，最好的支持。真的很感谢你们哦！^.^